The Gay College Kid Trying Everything, Griping About All of It; 22 years old, Upper West Side, gay, single.
DAY ONE 10:30 a.m.: Wake up hugging my pillow. Wish it was Younger Guy, but he’s already left this morning. I like him a lot. 11:30 a.m.: Haircut with my gay stylist. We gab loudly about the size we prefer. He likes a guy with seven to eight inches, I agree, though I’m not really that concerned with size usually. Woman in the chair next to us, with her small child in her lap, looks at us in horror. Don’t raise your kids in the city if you want them to grow up in Utopian Disneyland.
12:45 p.m.: Momentarily fall in love with Starbucks cashier. He’s a muscular but nerdy, grungy East Village type. Yum. He also always charges me for a tall when I order a venti iced coffee, yet I’ve never worked up the balls to move beyond “thank you.” 1:15 p.m.: Homework or porn? Porn wins. 1:30 p.m.: HungDominican, a guy I hook up with occasionally in Harlem, IMs me. Says he wants to have sex with me, then take me out to dinner. I’m more content with porn. 1:45 p.m.: Climax while watching straight porn. Eternally jealous that straight guys in porn rarely ever use condoms. 2:50 p.m.: Hot guy on the street asks to borrow my lighter. Wish it were socially acceptable to ask if I could borrow his dick. 4 p.m.: Guy from CL offers to share his 420 if I come over for a bj/potential sex. I agree, mostly because I want to get high. 5 p.m.: Arrive, guy isn’t as good-looking as his pics, but not ugly either. We get stoned, watch an episode of South Park on his couch. 5:30 p.m.: I blow him, then ride him, and it only takes a couple minutes. Totally mentally disinterested the entire time. 9 p.m.: Dinner with my best friend, Sarah. She’s straight. Sarah talks a lot about her boyfriend and their relationship troubles. She makes me so glad I’m not a virgin, like her and her boyfriend. 11 p.m.: Head over to Younger Guy’s place. Cuddle and fall asleep together.
DAY TWO 11 a.m.: Woken by church bells. In Younger Guy’s room, he’s gone once again. Love the way his bed smells. Decide to spoon his pillow, feel cheesy/lame. Noon: Decide to masturbate before heading to the library. Porn is only mildly appetizing. 12:15 p.m.: Former hookup that lives in London IMs me. Talk quickly turns dirty. 1:15 p.m.: Shower. Still horny from thinking about London. 6:45 p.m.: Get caught checking out an athlete’s junk jiggling under his basketball shorts as he walks by my table in the library. I’m really going to miss college. 9:30 p.m.: Make plans to get high and watch a movie with Younger Guy, hopefully will lead to sex. Can’t wait. 11:45 p.m.: Younger Guy is in a bad mood, not responsive to my advances. He only wants to cuddle. Bummer. 2 a.m.: Get an erection while cuddling, Younger Guy notices and starts making out. He goes down on me, then flips me over on my stomach and we have another hot sex session on his stupidly squeaky dorm-room bed. Squeaky beds are one thing I won’t miss about college.
DAY THREE 9 a.m.: Wake up and hit snooze. Younger is trying to initiate morning sex. Kisses my neck. I’m too tired to be interested. Get grumpy and pretend to sleep to ignore his advances. 5 p.m.: Busy day. Older Guy IMs me. We’ve been hooking up for a while. He wants a relationship, I only want sex and friendship, he sometimes can’t understand or separate sex from his feelings. He wants to “hang” later. Make plans to meet around 9:30. 9:30 p.m.: Get to Older Guy’s place. He’s incredibly clingy, desperate. Big turn-off. Leave after hookup. 2:45 a.m.: Best (Über-straight) friend since fourth grade tells me he’s curious and wants to have sex when I’m home next month after graduation. Jerk off. Kind of startling, but also really hot. I think most everyone would be into a same-sex hookup if it weren’t for social pressures. I’m certainly not against hooking up with a girl, just needs to be in a certain situation.
DAY FOUR 8 a.m.: Regret staying up so late. Start to wank in the shower but I’m too tired. 12:30 p.m.: Horny. Decide to cruise Adam4Adam and Craigslist. 12:50 p.m.: I prefer straight porn to gay porn. The guys are way hotter and I’m mildly turned on by women sometimes, though I’ve yet to act on it. 6:30 p.m.: Older Guy asks if I want to hang again. I agree. 9 p.m.: Get to Older Guy’s place and have some drinks. He’s back in an affectionate mood, keeps trying to cuddle/caress me, also constantly compliments me. Big turn-offs. 11 p.m.: I feel smothered. I don’t want embellished sex; I just want plain sex. He can’t grasp this. Leave without climaxing. 2 a.m.: Climax to straight porn without a problem. Decide that clinginess with Older Guy is becoming too much. Consider cutting things off, but I’m conflicted. Is he stupid or am I a jerk?
DAY FIVE 9 a.m.: Exhausted at work, deciding if I should talk to Older Guy about ending our hookups or not. Noon: My work crush (good friend, straight, vet) comes in, cheers me up. I’m as emotionally attracted to him as I am physically. Painfully wish I could date him. The fact that he always lets me flirt with him and flirts back doesn’t help. I love straight boys that love gay attention, I just wish they’d act on it, even if it’s when no one is looking. 1:20 p.m.: Random older guy on A4A lives very nearby. He messages me, asks if I’m interested. Have a bit of a daddy complex and agree. Says he just wants a quickie, we have to be done before his BF gets home at 2:30. They have an open relationship, but usually agree to play together ahead of time. 2 p.m.: Random older guy is literally about to penetrate me when I hear door open and his boyfriend walks in. Terrified that I’m about to be in the center of big drama. He says it’s fine. 2:05 p.m.: Surprise threesome. Boyfriend asks if he can join, I don’t know what to do but say yes. 2:45 p.m.: Walk home leaves me sexually satisfied but emotionally strange. I wonder if being a gay male in NYC means I’m destined for that kind of open relationship. I love sex, but I’m not sure I’d want that scenario in ten years. I feel like monogamy is outdated, so why do I still hold it as an ideal? 4:30 p.m.: Older Guy asks me to come over later, but I decide three nights in a row is too much and would send the wrong signals. Work on homework for the evening and pass out early.
DAY SIX 4 p.m.: Really busy day. Cuddle with Younger Guy before his next class. 5:30 p.m.: Younger Guy has to go to class in 30 minutes. We start making out. He’s an amazing kisser and our chemistry is electric. I can feel that he’s hard so I go down on him. Then he jets for class. 11 p.m.: We’re both exhausted and pass out together while watching a movie in bed.
DAY SEVEN 10:30 a.m.: Wake up with Younger Guy. Lots of cuddling, making out and touching, but no sex. 4 p.m.: I’m out of poppers so I decide to go to a porn shop in Hell’s Kitchen to pick some up. 4:30 p.m.: On the way back, I pass an Israeli guy from the Lower East Side I used to hook up with. He was quite the bad boy, unapologetically horny, and the grin he gave as we passed proved he hadn’t changed. Get hard while walking, thinking about how great he was. He was a little too cocky, though, so I’m going to let him make the first move if he wants to hook up again. 6:15 p.m.: At dinner with friends discussing our respective sex lives. After a few margaritas we realize we may be sharing our stories with the entire restaurant. 11 p.m.: Dance a lot with male friend. Vaguely remember grabbing his crotch, though I might be making this up. 2 a.m.: Male friend heads home, as do I. Text Younger Guy to see if he’s interested in hooking up or at least cuddling; all the dirty dancing has left me with a hard-on. He’s incoherently drunk. I decide to jerk off, but fall asleep while trying.
TOTALS: Four acts of cuddling; five acts of masturbation; one threesome; multiple sex chats; four hookups.
Northwestern University this week published the results of a longitudinal study about the factors involved in LGBT youth suicide and self-harm - the first study of its kind, according to the release.
The results of the study are far from extravagant, and perhaps even a bit expected. According to the data, the LGBT youth who are most likely to consider suicide are those who are victimized for being gay. Social support from friends and family is likely to keep gay youth from suicidal ideation. These are all things we knew already.
What’s impressive, honestly, is the fact that a study like this exists now. Of course, it’s not really a good thing that LGBT suicide is extremely relevant these days, but it is a good thing that medical schools are devoting time and money to figuring this stuff out.
Full disclosure and shameless plug: I do go to this school, so of course I’m happy to see this published. But I’d be happy to see this kind of coverage come from anywhere, really. We need as much information out there as we can get.
“The difference between ignorant and educated people is that the latter know more facts. But that has nothing to do with whether they are stupid or intelligent. The difference between stupid and intelligent people-and this is true whether or not they are well-educated-is that intelligent people can handle subtlety. They are not baffled by ambiguous or even contradictory situations-in fact, they expect them and are apt to become suspicious when things seem overly straightforward.”—and this is true whether or not they are well-educated-is that intelligent people can handle subtlety. They are not baffled by ambiguous or even contradictory situations-in fact, they expect them and are apt to become suspicious when things seem overly straightforward.”